


Smile Heavy

by RaspberryDawn



Category: Smosh
Genre: Affairs, Alcohol, Dubious Consent, Flashbacks, Homophobic Language, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, M/M, Rough Sex, Secret Relationship, Smut, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Unhealthy Relationships, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-11
Updated: 2017-12-11
Packaged: 2019-02-13 15:37:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12987129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RaspberryDawn/pseuds/RaspberryDawn
Summary: It’s just what Shayne did to him. Being with him seemed to turn him stupid. With everything that they did together, with everything Shayne let him do, with what HE let Shayne do, it seemed correct to say he was indeed pretty much a fucking idiot.________Shayne's not gay. Noah knows that he says that, at least. He's not just struggling with the aftermaths of very dubiously consented activities, he's struggling with the arrangement being a consistently off-and-on again thing. Again, from sleeping with a guy who insists he's straight.





	Smile Heavy

**Author's Note:**

> this is a very problematic story & does include the usage of homophobic slurs, even in sexual context. It definitely is unhealthy in every sort of way and I don't know why I wrote it. there's your warning. heed the tags. thanks!

When he woke up, there were bruises riddling his body. 

He could already tell this was a fact before he opened his eyes. Noah groaned with his face buried in his pillow, just because he could feel how much more sore he was. The groan had hurt his throat — the abuse it had undergone was perhaps a bit worse than the rest of his body. 

The choking hadn’t helped, after all.

When he did open his eyes, he turned around in the bed. He felt sleep deprived, or perhaps overslept, since he didn’t know when he had fallen asleep or the time he just awoke to. His greenish-hazel eyes squinted as he brought his hands to rub at his face, able to see the smattering of green bruises and raw rubbed skin of his wrists come in to view without his glasses.

He didn’t quite want to get up. His body felt heavier than a sack of sand. The burning in the back of his throat ached more every moment that he had his eyes open and his conscious aroused.

When he did force himself to sit up, he was having a hard time squinting around the room for his glasses. Such a simple thing immediately made Noah testy, because he had assumed in the lull of waking up that he was in his own home, face down on his own pillow in his own bed, but that absolutely was not the case. He told himself that he should have known better, silently cursing. 

It’s just what Shayne did to him. Being with him seemed to turn him stupid. With everything that they did together, with everything Shayne let him do, with what HE let Shayne do, it seemed correct to say he was indeed pretty much a fucking idiot.

He curled up his knees to his chest. It didn’t matter how much his body hurt anymore. Noah just leaned forward and curled into his own body, his arms wrapped tight around his knees as he hid his bruises hips and thighs from the world. 

A position like this just made him think of when Shayne had accosted him the prior night. The brunette was already on the bed after all, fresh for the taken, his past bruises healed, and his sickly sweet suggestion with his whiskey breath against Noah’s neck that the twenty year old should stroke his dick ‘just one more time’ was a natural progression for his predatory behavior.

The problem was that it had excited him. He didn’t feel like prey in the situation, he felt like someone who was wanted and desired. No matter how many times Shayne said that he was straight, and had in the past made it painfully obvious by using the fact he had a girlfriend over the younger man’s head, well, knowing that Shayne would surrender to lust and primal instinct over someone like him made him feel good.

The first time they had gotten to the point where Shayne had his fingers inside of the then-teen, stretching and preparing him, he’d chosen that instant to be aggressively protective of his sexuality. 

The blond called him a faggot, first in such a mumbling, questioning tone, asking him if that’s what he was — Noah had never known what he was, who he was, unfortunately for them both — and then an insulting, bullying tone to insist he had to be, if he had such a slutty look on his face. He had a hard-on, so he was a fag, while Shayne’s erection only meant he was an alpha male. 

Noah didn’t really think he was exactly loving that, or any part of it, really. He had shut himself down, and while that didn’t encourage Shayne, it didn’t stop him either. After a session of losing his virginity over homophobic slurs, he explicitly asked the blond not to do that again.

He felt bad about doing it, too.

Asking him to stop seemed to drive a stake of guilt through Shayne’s chest. While there wasn’t evidence that it caused him to sometimes down terrible drinks of liquor before getting handsy, Noah felt like he sure did directly contribute to it. 

His problem was that he continued to love and care for Shayne, no matter how things progressed.

He laid back down in the bed, ignoring how sore his body was. He was in love with Shayne. It was something he realized way before he had convinced the older man to touch him, and something he kept under the surface. It was less painful if he let the other believe that he was just some degenerate who was into degenerate behavior like casual raw sex with vaguely consented-to BDSM elements.

He’d kill himself just to ensure the other man kept being with him, however that manifested. It wasn’t like they could just go back to being simply coworkers.

Noah has his eyes closed, drifting in and out of sleep almost. He didn’t want to feel so tired, but he did anyhow. Perhaps exhausted was the better word. 

It was exactly how he felt the first time they had ever had contact between the both of them. They had been on a trip together, for work, and had just come back. Noah had been dropping Shayne off at his place, having rode together to save gas, but Shayne offered he stay the night since he claimed to be tired.

It was the kind of scenario that had happened a million times before then. He ended up insisting he could fight through his tiredness, but that wasn’t what ended up happening. To do so he had sat on the couch with Shayne, moreso laying down, really, his body had been curled up on the couch with his head resting on Shayne’s thigh. For a small time he had felt Shayne’s hand in his hair, stroking the thick brown mop and even lightly scratching his scalp. 

The conversation waned and drifted off mostly.

When he had stopped that, he hadn’t even really thought anything of it. He was so tired, after all. Noah figured if he fell asleep here, Shayne would naturally just leave him and let him sleep. The apologetic side of him hoped that wasn’t a burden.

What grabbed his attention was more when he felt Shayne shift around underneath him. He had widened his leg’s stance, but Noah just tilted his head downward against his bare skin again rather than the basketball shorts he was wearing. 

His eyes were closed, but he most certainly could hear what very much sounded like Shayne stroking his own dick. The teen had squirmed a bit, and before he could even think about whether he should actually say anything he was murmuring to ask what was going on.

When he looked right to his own side, sure enough, Shayne had pulled out his cock and he was working on jerking it off to full hardness. The blond had replied to him with a small shush, his hand that had rested on his head suddenly sliding down off his neck and on to his back.

He would have never of taken himself for the casual sex sort. To his counterpart, sure, it seemed apt that someone with that much sex appeal would get away with flaunting his libido. Noah felt a rush, both thrilled and confused at the same time. His hand was so warm against his back…

Already he nervously had begun weighing his options. How far would he let this go? STDs be spread just through blowjobs, right? Should he ask if Shayne had a condom on him?

It seemed like he was going to make the decisions for Noah though, as he made the brunet’s back arch with the fact he had groped his ass. Noah bristled, had tilted his head back to look at him.

He had to admit Shayne sitting in a muscle shirt and his shorts pulled down just enough to let his his dick and balls hang out, well — it was a fairly attractive sight. When he realized that Shayne had pressed his dick against his cheek, staring down at him with those grey-blue gorgeous eyes… Noah took the dive to turn to his side slightly, pushing his back against Shayne’s wandering hand as he just closed his eyes. For the first time ever he found himself giving a blowjob, and had decided to just go with the flow despite the nagging voices in his head.

It was sloppy and inexperienced, with Shayne breathlessly giving noises and small words of encouragement under his breath. Noah was almost worried to look up at him, so he just closed his eyes again — he turned around on his knees, one hand cupping Shayne’s balls as he held the other around his shaft. 

Shayne had weaved his fingers in Noah’s hair again, pushing down on his head at random to make his mouth stay. It was like he was more interested in only using the brunet as a receptacle, while Noah wondered if his mouth was supposed to feel so thick and slick.

It wasn’t long until he tried to cum in Noah’s mouth, but the teen pushed back against his guiding hand. It was so warm and he felt it was so stereotypically salty, but with his mouth hanging over Shayne instead the blond came on his face and hair. 

He winced as he was splattered in cum. He let go of Shayne, just as he purposely guided his own cock to spread around on Noah’s face and slide it back in his mouth to make sure he tasted it.

When the softened dick was removed again, Noah covered and wiped at his mouth, an enormous mixture of emotions swaying him. In panic, he lifted his shirt collar up and tried to clean himself off. 

He couldn’t even speak to Shayne, he just needed to get out. There was no looking at him, either.

Wordlessly running off seemed the easiest to do, so Noah did that. It was only when he got home finally, avoiding seeing anyone else by some miracle to get to the bathroom, did he look in the mirror and see the small stream of jizz in his hair. 

Looking at himself had him feeling mortified. There had been no way to expect something like that, but part of why his heart felt so excited was his belief that it now meant Shayne felt some sort of attraction to him. It’d only been years since Noah first had felt anything toward him, after all. And while he maybe didn’t fantasize much sexually, he had always found him unbelievably attractive…

It didn’t seem like there was enough mouthwash in the world to get the taste out of his mouth. No matter how much he washed his face, too, he still smelled Shayne long after he changed his clothes. 

The only thing he could think of was to text him after that. He was beyond nervous when Shayne didn’t respond. 

‘we should talk about what happened’

‘what WAS it?’

‘didn’t even ask what made you just whip it out’

‘I could come back if you wanted…’

The last one was one of those texts where he had quickly locked his phone and cast it away after sending, knowing full well he would soon be picking it back up to examine it frantically. He needed to hear from the other. So, maybe it hadn’t been a fairytale of a first time, but he felt so vulnerable. He needed validation.

Which is precisely what made it hurt so much when the other got back to him stating that he was a mistake, that he himself wasn’t gay, that he had a girlfriend still, remember? One that he loved, more than he loved Noah as a friend, obviously. She meant everything, and Noah was a mistake.

The exact wording had been ‘you' were a mistake — not the act itself, but as if Noah as a person was an utter blunder. When he had called Noah, it was with a heavy emphasis that Noah shouldn’t have pushed their boundaries and shouldn’t have been so eager to wrap his lips around Shayne’s dick.

After all, he wouldn’t have just thought of Noah as some gay whore, right? Was he wrong? It wasn’t as if there was anything more to them than close friends, so Noah absolutely didn’t feel more for Shayne than Shayne felt for him.

It had been so confusing.

Especially the part about since Noah wasn’t a half bad cocksucker, that, well, it had really relieved some tension for him, and he felt so much stress lately, maybe in the future Noah could just do him some favors…

Perhaps the most humiliating of all was that he just kept thinking Shayne would turn around. He could make Shayne love him, if movies, television and books were all to be believed. Noah refused and rejected the chain of thought that his life was actually a tragedy instead.

So he felt in the same boat as when it first all started. Even while laying back down, he decided he would fight off the tired feeling. He didn’t even have the facilities to properly process the moment that he heard heavy footsteps near the door, and the door finally cracking open before closing loudly again.

The small jump scare it gave him at least signaled he was awake.

He waited for Shayne to him instead, and he did — sitting down next to him, Noah curling his feet inward enough to give him the space. He looked at the older guy with such admiration in his eyes, even as he pulled the blanket up to his face.

“I got a date in a bit. It’s already close to noon.”

“How romantic.”

“It was sort of hard to find a place to go eat, so I figured something else out.”

He clasped a hand on Noah’s leg, but Noah pulled it away so he could go ahead and sit back up. His natural inclination was just to lean in towards Shayne, but not touching. Never touching like that.

“I hope you have a good time.”

His voice was soft, his throat still feeling killer.

Shayne handed over a small bottle of water, and Noah balked at first, not having seen it. Followed by that was his glasses, and he murmured a thanks as he got himself situated. He nudged at his own glasses with the back of his hand, and as he took a drink he felt Shayne’s hand land on his back instead.

“You're kinda lucky that you don’t date, have you ever realized that? You don’t have to mess around with romance and all that garbage.”

Noah gave him the faintest of smiles. It felt strange, but he realized that it had to be Shayne’s reality. The version that he had created in his mind of how Noah handled everything didn’t exactly intersect with how he actually felt about it.

“You're right, I don’t want to date anyone.”

Anyone besides the person he was already besides, anyway.

“You should get going. You gotta have something to do today, right? With your brother’s birthdays today too, I’m surprised you even stayed over, but I didn’t want to just… assume that you guys had plans.”

“Um, yeah, I should go. We have plans for after a while…” His hand reached up to his own throat, lingering a moment before he began to give a small laugh. He had to look like a mess. “At least it’s kinda cold, I can wear a scarf even if I have to.”

“There you go! Very inconspicuous.”

He wanted to go ahead and get up, but his legs felt like lead. Whenever he looked at Shayne, he just utterly melted. 

“Hey…” 

Noah’s eyes just widened slightly, worried he’d be told off or something for lingering. Shayne gave his million dollar smile, though, erasing that fear, as his hand traveled around to the brunet’s bare chest and then his skinny legs again.

"Maybe for your birthday, I, ah, could just… I was thinking maybe I could just suck you off or something. Shouldn’t be too hard, if you can do it, right? It’ll just be my gift to you.”

He felt a flurry of butterflies in his stomach. 

“You said last night…”

“I mean, yeah, I’m not gay, but I thought about it this morning and if you like it, why do we have to stop?”

He’d gone back and forth on this so many times. It was almost certain at this point that he would be changing his mind again in the future, but considering he was in such a tizzy over this undying crush and infatuation, he felt powerless to complain.

“Let’s… yeah. Let’s do that then.”

Shayne leaned in, so dangerously close, only to turn his head and speak into his ear.

“I'll let you know if I’m free tonight.”

He stood up from the bed, fetching Noah’s shirt for him off the floor and throwing it at him. It was a bit startling, but he suppressed the bulk of his emotions with a nervous laugh.

For all the pain that sneaking around brought, and for all the pain the arrangement cause him both emotionally and physically, he still was so certain that he could never give it up.

One day, Shayne would have to come around. 

He’d finally have to realize that the whole time, his perfect companion had been in his bed already, that it was someone who he’d shared so many laughs and part of his life with. He’d realize Noah didn’t chase anyone around because he had already been content. He’d have to.

Right?


End file.
